Checking in

It’s been a tumultuous few weeks of April. I’ve been up high and down really low. I stopped taking my meds for a few days and have really been in touch with why I need them. I think the best way to remember everything is to go down the list.

NOLA Herb Fest

Last weekend was the NOLA Herbal Gathering. I went to it last year around this time. This time it was equally magickal – even more so. I feel a lot different than I did last year and this herb fest helped me see that. For one, it’s much easier for me to claim my space without having to be on an extreme about it. I was the driver and that can be great and also nervewracking. I embraced the greatness of it and made sure that I wasn’t agreeing to things that felt stressful (like picking up people all over town to head out) but that I was also very open instead of closed emotionally.

I didn’t have to be completely alone/drive by myself and it actually felt fun to ride there with the people I did.

I also made a ton more actual real life connections. And my energy felt great and the potential of everything was so tangible. Seeing all the vendors, attending the talks and just generally being in the atmosphere of the place felt amazing. Rejuvenating for me AND it got me excited about life possibilities. More on that later.

Meds/Anxiety/Why I need them/In touch

So I went through a phase these past 2 weeks where I’ve been lackadaisical about taking my meds and I’m beginning to notice. Today I had the kind of stupid anxiety that makes it hard to even clean the sink without freaking out over something minute. And I had an old familiar feeling of what might finally drive me to commit suicide – being tired of the uphill battle and finally admitting that I’m not strong enough to keep fighting against my false beliefs about not being worthy enough. The glimpse of what people would say “She finally gave up. She didn’t make it after all” flashed across my mind. So I know that I need to take my meds consistently now. I can’t pretend that I don’t need them. I still do.

Feeling more certain about life

Even though things have been angsty, I have also noticed that I’m so much more certain about life getting better. And I’m much more able to look at my life right now and recognize all that I have to be grateful about. Things are way better than they were at the beginning of the year and the end of last year. I’m much more stable – I’m paying my bills, I’m taking care of life well. I even filed taxes this year – that means a ton about my belief in myself oddly enough. Normalcy has always been something I felt like I didn’t have access to. And I’ve been meeting really great people that have been giving me awesome insight, helping me grow and helping me see possibility and start to form it into reality. So that feels really good.

Studying Astrology

My astrology studies lately have been really helpful. Understanding key things about my natal astrological chart has helped me not be so in the *why is this happening* and *what am I doing wrong* spaces and more in the spaces of *ok, this is the journey that I chose on a soul level. This is my hero’s journey. Overcoming these self-worth issues is the reason I’m here. Sharing my process is the reason I’m here. So that’s been comforting.

Self-Hypnosis

One of the cool people that I met lately introduced me to the idea of self-hypnosis and I remembered that I had a book that apparently is a classic about it. I’ve been reading it and am really excited to put it into practice. I feel like so much of what’s left for me to uncover and overcome is all in my subconscious. I’m just on Chapter 2 though so still some ways to go :).

So ultimately, I feel like things are on the right track. I have felt really low here and there but I have also really been able to find my highs too.