Tired but grateful

So I’m really tired at the moment but I also don’t want to sleep. The energy in the cosmos is really electric right now – I’ve been staying up way past what makes sense even though I’m clearly tired. I know it’s because of these eclipses.

And I’m so proud of myself. I got through a really bad feeling patch two weeks ago. Really bad. Blah and feeling again like things may never change bad. And that made me feel like such a fraud for considering myself an encourager and someone who could at all help someone else get to a better feeling place.

I have to admit though, it was legitimate. The ex that I’d bent over so far backwards for to be understanding, patient and loving with finally came back around into my life and said yes Leah, I want to be with you, I’m not afraid anymore. We had a blissful week and then on that Friday we had plans for lunch – that morning he said he was looking forward to it and then never showed up. And I have not heard from him since.

It took a LOT to get over this. I felt so broken and stupid and duped and deadened. All the questions. How could this happen to me again. What does this mean for my life. Why can’t I get it right. What lesson am I learning. Is this it-am I going to forever have to learn hard lessons because I’m missing something. And on and on.

It was horrible. Especially the slow realization that this man was really not going to call me back, explain himself, say anything. That he was just going to disappear. That is HARD.

And that was coupled with my decision to go ahead with the gallbladder surgery last Friday. I decided, against all the natural life advice (or most of it) to go with it – get it removed and *then* deal with making even more solid diet changes and clearing any emotional junk. It just kept feeling like this is the thing to do. But I was more nervous about this surgery than my others – I guess because something actually has been removed that had a purpose. But I felt like, with my years of stomach issues and the fact that I eat healthier than most of the people I know, my gallbladder is probably very damaged and holding on to it would drag me down more than it would propel me forward.

But yeah, it still wasn’t a super easy decision.

But since my surgery I’ve felt so clear and so even energized – just so good. So much like everything might just be falling into place, like it’s always promised to do. I’ve made some bold leaps of faith – I hired my mentor as my business coach, I started reading on the psychic hotlines again and I am determined that this will surpass my income at the job so that I can leave it within the month or very soon after.

And I’ve even randomly reconnected with the man I was seeing exactly a year ago. The synergy in that connection is full of magick – we seemingly randomly started texting again yesterday – the exact same day that we started texting each other last year. And when I think about our relationship, I mean I can’t see any negatives. He was supportive, fun, sexy, high vibe, wanted to be in a relationship with me, looking to be married, have children, raise a family, ambitious – I mean he was really great. But I was really broken back then. I’d just broken up with my longterm ex. I’d just finally admitted that I had to give up the studio. I had lost the majority of my income so I was pretty broke and things were just hard. There just wasn’t enough space for him in my life.

So we shall see :).

In moments like this when I’m feeling so high energy, I believe that my dreams are possible. I’m touching them. I’m holding them. I’m living them. It’s so so so so good to remember :).

 

 

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still not better

I’m still not feeling better.

I totally meh’d the entire evening. I had no desire to do anything though I wanted to do so much. I’ve been sitting here on the couch feeling somewhere between ok and then weepy again.

I think cramps are starting even though my cycle is a week away.

And one thing after the other keeps happening. I mean keeps happening. I’m going to go to bed now and try to feel better.

I wish I could stay home. I hope the universe gives me some kind of way to stay home tomorrow. I feel like I want to eat something bad that will kick up my gallstones. I’d even take getting sick just to stay home tomorrow.

:(.

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Shit day :(.

I just posted this in my survivors group. It’s helped to keep me from feeling like fuck it. The most difficult part of today was my doctor’s appointment. First I got there and they didn’t have my ultrasound and weren’t going to let me check in but I almost cried in front of the entry nurse and finally she started trying to help me. It was an EXHAUSTIVE process to even get the appt and then to show up and my records still not be there – it just started off as a lot. I had to go into my work email (thank goodness I could from my phone) and find the message that had the emergency room info on it so I could find the name of the hospital, call the hospital and then ask them to fax over the ultrasound to the office I was in. Even though that was supposed to have already happened last week. That took about 30 minutes and then finally 20 minutes after that I was called back. One of my girl friends was with me so the good thing was that I had her company. She even disappointed me later though because I needed to talk it out after my appointment and she was distracted, on her phone and just barely present.

So I finally got to see the doctor and I actually really liked him. He wasn’t mean or sterile or unkind or annoyed or anything. We probably talked to him for like 30 minutes and he answered all of our questions and was funny and very nice. I really really really appreciated that.

The things is he made me see why it might be a good idea to get the surgery. Even in the reports that I read from natural doctors, they said that sometimes it’s necessary to go ahead and get the surgery eventually.

And this is the only place that I feel slightly ok to mention this – but I have this secret fantasy of welcoming the 2 weeks off from work that the surgery would give me and thinking that wouldn’t it be cool if in 2 weeks I could jumpstart my business and really see things take off so that I wouldn’t have to go back?

I can’t admit that to many people. When I talked to my mom today she suggested I talk to my job and find out “when it was ok” for me to take off since I’d just started. Do you know how horribly constricting and icky that felt. ASK them when THEY thought it might be ok for me to do it. WTF. And that’s because she doesn’t know or believe in my goals to not be there asap. She’s thinking oh yah Leah, stay there for a few years, get stable and then leave. It makes me want to cry, throw hissy fits, or take all of my meds at once. The idea of having to stay there for that long and deal with things that I don’t want to be doing. At 40. I have this dream that someone will show up in my life – the right man – and say I believe in you Leah. I will pay all the bills while you grow your business. I cna’t even imagine what not having the stress of making ends meet AND having the energy to do things because you aren’t depleted from things you borderline hate would feel like. How much more effective at life I would be. Sigh :(.

And me and mom talked about babies again and she reminded me that I have to have a baby soon because I don’t want to be raising a toddler at 50. THAT was something I had not thought about. I had always thought about the health of my body in having a baby at a late age but I hadn’t even thought about being 60 with a 10 year old for instance. And then the fact that I can’t even really afford to have a child right now in this instant. And then the fact that I keep meeting guys who seem wonderful and then are not and so what do you do when you’ve met someone and kind of want to see what might happen but then you know that you don’t want to be waiting on them either.

Well at the least, I feel better from writing. I’m not crying anymore. I feel like I can try to do the work I was really excited about earlier today and yesterday. I wish I didn’t have to go to that job. I wish I could stay home and work on these things that light me up. I feel like I deserve that. :-(.

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I’m just going to admit that I’ve had a shitty day :(. I just recently found out I have gallstones and everyone is recommending surgery. I had my appointment with a surgeon today and now I’m not sure what to do. Then someone that I thought was a friend decided to pick today to remind me that I owed her money and that the fact that I hadn’t paid her back yet made her feel like I was taking advantage of her when truly I’ve just been trying to keep my shit together and get back on top of my life. And the guy I was seeing is fizzling out. My ex that showed back up is still disappointing. I don’t want to be at the job I’m at and I just wish I could make things work period in my own businesses so that I don’t have to be there. And I just feel like damn. Really? When will the little wearing me downs end. I try so hard to keep it together. And I feel super alone. Even though I guess technically I’m not because my family is here. But I still feel that way. I have a dance event this weekend in the same city as my friend that just happened to pick today to mention her dissatisfaction with me that she will be at and I want to cancel. I just don’t want to have to try to make it alright and be the bigger person and talk myself through it and figure out how not to feel awkward and embarrassed and disappointed in myself and also like no one gets or understands me or the things I struggle with at all. I just want to for once just say fuck it. I’m affected and I’m not going to act like I’m not. I’m having a hard time and I’m not going to act like everything is ok. Writing is helping me keep from spiraling. Thank you <3.

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Today was tough

It’s ok though. I know I’m going to have tough days. It’s still good for me to write about them though. Today I had what felt like the beginning of another attack. I almost threw up this morning which scared me and keep me at home instead of going to work. I laid down and tried to be still so as not to aggravate the stones and drank a bunch of water and basically just waited it out. Eventually by 2:30ish I felt like myself again mostly. I felt a little weepy about it but ultimately I took it in stride.

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Today is better

Today I had an appointment with my counselor after a really long while. I’d called about 2 weeks ago to schedule it and she was going to be out of town and yada yada. It was a good thing though in a way because I told myself that I could manage 2 weeks and I did get through the really lows of two weeks ago.

I admitted to her that scheduling another session felt a little bit like failure. Like I had not successfully navigated staying better. But I do know that it was smart and right to set an appt, not a sign of weakness or anything like that.

Still I felt a little disappointed in myself.

I’m feeling better about Tony. Almost like that whole him coming back and being able to be the man he thought he needed to be was just a fantasy – not even real. I don’t know if he’s alive, hurt, in jail, or just ignoring me because he thinks it’s best to disappear. I don’t know. But I do have to stop caring. I’m still working on it but today it was a bit easier.

I’m feeling more empowered about my gallstones also. I looked up recipes today and that actually felt affirming. I even thought, hmmm I could finally actually get into cooking like I’ve always wanted to. So that’s a good thing. I’m hoping that I can find some help to try some of the recipes I’ve found. I think that’s one of the things for me  – realizing that it’s ok and right and acceptable to want and need help with things, especially new things. I’m sure my friend Shamelle will help. Maybe John the new guy will help. We shall see about that.

My counselor gave me some good thoughts/techniques for talking to him about what I need and want and I actually tried one today. He called me before he went to bed and I actually asked if we could hang out some time soon. And at first he said well this weekend we can’t and then said well maybe sunday but not for long and I did what she said and didn’t react, I just said that I understood but that it was important to me and that what I didn’t want to do was to be hanging around waiting for him to call so could we make some concrete plans and he said well why don’t you let me know what you want to do and then we can figure out if we can do that. And I was like ok, I’ll do that. That made me feel good :). He did say that he realizes that he’s not really giving me what I need and what I’ve expressed already that I need. My thing is that it’s great that you acknowledge it but I need you to do something about it. But I was happy that he responded well so that’s a plus in his favor.

I also did 2 live streams today – one in my FB group and the other on my personal feed. It’s been feeling good to do these – I’ve really enjoyed them. I’ve just been doing them because I want to and my hope is that it will led to some clarity for me and moving forward in a certain direction. I feel like that has been getting clearer lately because I haven’t felt as much fear around what I talk about and what I think I can do. And I even think I’m going to change the name of my group to focus more on helping women heal from depression and anxiety. I know. In a way I feel like a fraud. How can I help when I falter. But also maybe that’s why I can help. And my programs are all about radical self-care on multiple levels. That I *dO* know about because that I *have* done for myself. I have pulled myself out of a suicide attempt and have mostly learned to thrive despite. This space even is a part of that.

So maybe I can be of help and maybe that can be part of my life’s work.

The most important thing right now is that I’m feeling better. I’m very grateful for that.

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I think I’m ok but I’m not sure

Just to forewarn you, this will be another off the top post. I’m not even really looking at the keyboard. My eyes are even closed at times. I just need to write. I’m not sure how I feel. I let myself consider what if with Tony my ex and he has just let me down so harshly. I can’t even fathom what has happened. He’s just disappeared. When I opened up just for a millisecond just a tiny bit just to see if maybe our happily ever after could actually happen, all of his beautiful words, they fell flat. All of the love I felt fell flat. He’s just disappeared. He was supposed to come over on Sunday, he had a family emergency and ask if he could make it up to me and that’s the last I heard from him. I Know that he loves me. I don’t think that’s ever been the issue. It’s everything else.

 

And I think the only reason that I even was slightly open to him (despite the fact that of course I still love him but I thought I’d firmly shut that door) was because I’m feeling lackluster about the new guy. I just felt myself falling into the same trap of making excuses for someone’s behavior. Yes he has a lot going on right now. He has school and work. But life is always full of a lot of things. If that means that you can’t respond promptly, never have time to d anything, don’t sound enthusiastic when I call, here my concerns but don’t do much to change then no I don’t have to stick around.

He makes meager efforts to try but at the present it’s not enough. Not at all.

So that nice feeling that I was having was dissipating and it made me say well maybe the universe does have different plans for Tony and I and I was open. Finally after all of his asking me to be. And then he bails.

What I’m grappling with is the fairness of it all. And I know that’s senseless but I still am. I haven’t admitted this to anyone yet. It just feels shitty. WHy this? Wy do I need this? Why do I need to be stronger this way? WHy do I need to think I might fall in love, think I might have happily ever after, think there might be someone to love me for there to be at best a not yet.

And then gallstones. WHy that? And having to take the admin job. Why that? It just seems like a lot of petty little stupid stuff. And I’m trying to see the benefit and the gift. I just wrote a post about the gift in my gallstones to my newsletter in fact. I’m really trying.

I know I can just shut him out and drown it away and let it disappear again. It’s just why do I have to.

And maybe John will come around and not be so silly all the time and actually be able to have an intimate conversation once in a while. I can hope for the best at the least.

 

I’ struggling a bit though. Glad that I have sleep.

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Disappointed in myself

I think I’m a little disappointed in myself because I’m not able to keep my mood high. I’m not sure what happened. I think it’s just when you want things to go a certain way and you are trying to get them to go that way but without much expectation, it’s just a tough place. When I’m feeling like this I like to do lists:

Things that suck right now:
1. I found out that I have gallstones. I had a horrible attack where I thought I was going to die and went to the emergency room. That’s where they did an ultrasound and found the gallstones. It’s not the end of the world, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Thre was one study that correlated it to fibroids and saying that the cause might be the same. The doctor’s answer is surgery but of course I don’t want to do that. So I’ve researched some natural remedies and am going to try one. It’s just that it’s one more thing. I guess the good thing is that it’s making eating only healthy foods and exercising non-negotiables. I have to now. It’s the universe’s way of making it easy to motivate myself I guess.

2. I don’t know if the new guy is as emotionally available as I need someone to be. I feel like I’m starting to crack under the pressure of someone who is almost completely detached when it comes to expressing emotions. He expresses emotions like a 10 year old boy – he’ll poke me or hit me with a pillow (not violently) instead of saying Leah I really like you and this is going well and I’m glad we’re getting closer. It makes me really sad because I need someone who is more emotionally available. And I feel like he can’t do that even though everything else about him seems to be a perfect match.

3. I called my ex last night and now I’m really confused. Of course I still love my ex even though we were only together for a short amount of time. But we broke up because he basically wasn’t ready. Now he says he is. But I was with someone else – the new guy. I cut him off because he couldn’t respect the friend boundaries. But last night because I wanted someone to hold and comfort me that I knew loved me, I called him. And now I’ve opened that can of worms and I’m not sure which way to go.

4. I’m still working the admin job with no end in sight.

5. Every time I try to sit down to do planning work, I just feel stressed, scattered and tired. So I’m not doing much work.

Things that are going well:

1. I’ve had 3 people respond to my email about a strategy session

2. I’ve had someone reach out randomly about another strategy session

3. I reached out to another entrepreneur about collaborating

4. I’ve been consistently live streaming and it’s felt really great

5. I’ve been getting good ideas that feel inspiring and I’ve been acting on those

6. I was able to buy my press for making makeup – I think it will make a huge difference in sales if I can motivate myself to use it and then to take good pictures.

I wanted to end with more positives than negatives. I’m feeling the melancholy of depression today though. I think it’s because things have been trying and I’ve had more upsets instead of less and I’ve been thinking I’m getting closer to my dreams – it’ll be any minute now – for years.

I think I’m going to take a quick nap and then read one of my herbal books. Something that I enjoye that can take my mind off of every thing else.

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