These Past 2 years – what I have learned part 2

This is a post I wanted to make sure I wrote. It’s so interesting – my self is now asking me to go check FB or my phone or something other than sit here and write this. I’m pretty sure it’s my ego self not wanting to do this self-discovery. The great thing is that I’m aware. Today I honed in on another thing I learned to ask myself – what woman do I want to be and what choice would that woman make. Like “what would the woman that has all those things in your vision board book do?” And that has actually been helping me push off distraction and make peace with the time I have spent on social media.

I’ve realized again that a lot of times, I’m looking for validation – affirmation that I matter and that I’m good and admired. It’s weird. Because it’s very fleeting. It’s not at all like it’s super satisfying because it’s just in that instant. It’s just in that instant that I feel filled up and then I’ve moved on. It’s good to notice though and good to notice when I don’t need it. I’ve gotten so much better with that. I used to feel sadness when I had no messages or likes or comments or interaction. Like it was a confirmation of something. I don’t feel that anymore. YAY!

So this post is about the evidence I have that I HAVE learned the lessons of these last 2 years regarding partnerships.

  1. Even though I feel like I dealt with so much broken behavior with M, I still was very conscious in it. And it helped me explore the idea of allowing yourself to be hurt but then also allowing yourself to not be around people that make that challenging. Just because you know how to diffuse hurt feelings and understand that they are a mirror of a deficit within, it doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to someone that continually presents you a painful mirror to transmute. AND working through my connection with him led to some major soul upleveling for me.
  2. I truly feel as though the partnerships I’m developing now on the business front are so very much more connected and meaningful. I am getting to be completely myself, holding nothing back out of fear of how someone might perceive it. So all of my partnerships now are built on a solid ground of transparency. I’m really appreciating that.
  3. Even though I don’t know really what will happen, I do feel like I’ve developed some level of certainty that my life partner is going to show up in my life. And it’s been much easier to say no to certain behaviors in men without feeling like I’m being too mean or too non-understanding or any of that. I’ve even gone so far as to unfriend two people today and I’ve erased or unfriended almost anyone that makes me feel a certain way. And I’m going to continue that. It really has lifted something. I feel lighter, like I’m making room and removing my sense of obligation to hold space for these men.
  4. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m not afraid to say that I would like a relationship. I don’t feel that it’s desperate or me trying to hard or any of that. I feel completely ok with wanting it and I also don’t feel like I’m overly stressed about it.
  5. I do really feel as though it’s been easier and easier to be completely authentic. It’s something that I think I didn’t realize that I struggled with on some level. The push to try to be what everyone wanted me to be and to try to play the part and act the role was such a strain. And I don’t even really think I realized I was doing that. I was just trying to rise to the occasions that were showing up. Now I feel more cautious about that. Way more cautious about what I’m going to put out there with all my might and I’m going to try to make sure that it aligns with me completely. And that still feels scary because it still means cutting somethings out, at least for a while.

So overall, I feel like I’ve learned at least a majority of the lesson of these past 2 years. I am much more stable in who I am, especially without all the accolades and the striving to be great and worthy of praise. I’ve been finding myself outside of that – which is really big for me. And I do feel the shift. If nothing else, that in and of itself is profound.

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I’m happy!

Written Jan. 10th :)….

What do they say, oh what a difference a day makes? Well the 8th (which is really the date that my last post is talking about) to today things have changed drastically :D. Probably the most drastic place is in my mind BUT it’s because of real life stuff that is happening around me. Things I can finally believe in that may actually take me where I want to go.

And what’s most important is that I feel good. I actually straight up and down feel good. I feel like something major is lifting and almost gone. I feel like all of the readings that I’ve been watching about Aquarius and this fiinnnnaaallllyy being the year that things come together are actually true.

I actually have a job. A bonafide dream job. I may have written about my friend that needed social media help about 2 days a week. At that time, she said she could pay me 10/hr for 2 full days and that it could at least be something I could do until the coding school started. That by March, if her agency wasn’t off the ground by then I’d at least have had something solid for a little bit. I was super grateful but there were two things weighing on me.

First, it poured salt in the wound of wondering why I couldn’t get my own freelance work to take off better and made me ask myself why I would agree to do what I could do for a couple hundred dollars for $10/hr. And then just the simple fact that $10/hr 2 days a week would still leave me pretty stressed about bills and such and still scrambling.

I really felt/feel like I can no longer scramble. I’m just not for it anymore. And so I was really worried about that part. So on Monday I’d gone to talk to the accountant about possibly doing his office work position for the next few weeks and we actually had a great conversation. I thought for sure that that was going to work out and that’s the direction the Universe wanted me to go in.

And I was just hoping I could still do my friend’s work in the evenings. Well, if you can believe it, he never called. I left him a message at the end of Tuesday to touch bases and then on Wednesday, went in to my friend’s place to help her out.

She’s a really good friend of mine and so I’m always able to be completely honest with her and we ended up talking about everything and out of the blue, she told me what salary they were actually trying to get me to and that by Feb, she thought that was going to be possible. It was just a little over the amount I need for my base bills! HALLELUJAH. For real :). Now how is THAT for manifesting!

The fact that the accountant never called me back (he did end up calling on Friday – will explain later) and my friend just out the blue told me what she was trying to create for me felt like THE sign I needed from the Universe to go for the faith based choice and go all in with my friend. In fact, my oracle card for the day was all in. Seriously :).

Now the accountant did call on Friday and said he just got busy and I with confidence said, I’m so sorry, I’ve taken another position. And I feel really good about my decision. Really good.

And I still can do the coding academy in April if I’m still feeling that. Which surprisingly, I think I will be.

I’ll write about that in a different post I suppose. This post though is all about remembering that I feel like the needle is moving and things are shifting. YAY YAY YAY. AND I think I’m learning how to make it sustainable. I think so at least. I’m crossing my fingers. The one thing I’m realizing is that I’ve gotten really good at being detached. I haven’t shared having gotten this job with many people yet because I want to be at it for a few weeks and really into it making sure I feel like it’s solidly real before I say something and then it disappears. And I am realizing that if it disappears, there will be something else to shift gears to. I don’t know that it will be easy and I might still have to work through fatigue of always having to shift, BUT I feel like some progress has been made at least :).

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where is my joy

I know I need to talk about the good things I’ve learned and that have happened in these past 2 years. I am just not there yet I guess. What I want to write about today is how difficult of a day it’s been. I have struggled all day to find joy in thinking about or doing anything. It took me forever to get out of bed but I finally did.

I finally made myself do the things that I had intended to do today too. I needed to go cash a check at the bank it was drawn on since my own account is woefully overdrafted. I did that. I also went to the workforce center and applied for the workforce grant to cover the coding academy. I can’t think of a good reason not to go and get that training if it’s going to be free. I just have to figure out how to pay for life while I’m doing it. And I just have to be patient and wait until April.

I tried to pay rent but realized that I still don’t have enough. luckily some dance class money is coming through tomorrow and i’ll be able to pay that and the late fees. I’ll be flat broke again but at least that bill will be off my back. the landlord messaged me today because i had not message them anything and that felt bad, but i just responded and apologized for not messaging earlier and let her know that i’d be paying everything in full tomorrow. that’s the best i can do. and i’ve been trying to let that roll off my shoulders.

as an aside, i just don’t feel like capitalizing things at the moment. so the rest of this probably won’t be proper – oh well.

one other thing i’m proud of myself about for today is shutting down interest from one of the guys that had disappeared earlier – this was 1 of the 2 guys i’d talked about in a post that showed signs early on of just not being in the same place that i am about wanting a relationship. well this guy had the nerve to text me and ask if i wanted to do something on the 21st since it’s a blood moon (total lunar eclipse). um no. not if you can’t even follow through with plans you suggested 2 months ago. no, no thank you. he tried to make a case for himself and had excuses and such, but i was not going for it at all. not going down that road again. i will end up hurt and for someone that i was lukewarm about in the first place. no thank you. he could barely understand and i don’t really care. and the 20th is my birthday also. no. you do not get to spend precious birthday time with me.

so i’m proud of myself for that :).

by the end of the night, i did have a little inspiration. i happened upon a free course that teaches you how to grow a membership site and *make your first $1000* in 60 days. it’s part of a software that i brought last year that has a membership site and funnels and everything set up within it. the idea of a membership site that houses all of the things that i like to teach and talk about feels like a good idea. and gosh, wouldn’t that be cool if *that* could be my thing that is making me money while i go to coding school?

so i got a little happier watching the training and talking to myself about what if – what if i just follow these steps and do my best to believe in them. other people are doing it. why not me? so there is that.

but gosh, the entire day was pretty filled with me feeling horrible and hopeless about how to change anything. all this capricorn resolve that i thought i had was gone today. everything just felt tiring and unfulfilling and again i felt like i don’t know what the heck i’m supposed to be doing and nothing is ever going to work out for me and why am i still trying.

So it’s been a little tough. I don’t know what the universe is doing. oh and about the job at the accountant office, i thought for sure that this was the thing for me to do. i felt good being in the place and felt like ok, i can do this and enjoy how this will put me in a space that deals with small businesses and managing their taxes, which is something I am not good at right now because it reminds me of how things are going wrong. I even challenged myself to ask for $12/hr over the $10.50 he was offering. He’d asked me to do the drive home and make sure it wasn’t too bad and then we’d circle back today after he crunched numbers to be sure he could offer the $12. Well I waited for his call – didn’t get it and finally called a little after 5 and left a message. Not sure if that means he’s changed his mind or if he just got busy. But he was saying that someone could start tomorrow if they wanted to. I need to start on Monday but still. He had a sense of urgency. So..yeah, not sure. not sure at all.

So the good thing is that i’m way better this evening than i was this morning. some people hit their lows at night. mine come in the morning time but i eventually get myself going. gosh, i just have to believe that something is going to get better and that things not getting better up til this point isn’t my fault.

I’m trying.

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These past 2 years – what I have learned PART 1

So I was looking into this solar eclipse and new moon energy to get a better understanding of things. It’s been a very uplifting 2 days in terms of events that have helped me feel tons better and like I’m receiving signs from the universe of proof that things are finally going to pan out way better than ever before.

What I found out was that this the total lunar eclipse that will be on my birthday jan 20th is the last lunar eclipse in the Leo/Aquarius family of eclipses that started July 27th 2018. The last time that these eclipses started were August 18, 2016. Interestingly also, M’s birthday is July 27th. That lunar eclipse was in my sign Aquarius. The lunar eclipse on my birthday Jan. 20th will be in his sign Leo.

Signs is all I can say. Though I have said to the Universe that it doesn’t have to be M. That I am open to whatever love is meant for me.

But getting back to my point about the 2 year cycle, the advice is to review what I have learned over the past 2 years. That this is what that whole cycle was about, the things that have grown over that time.

Where things fall in my birth chart, this cycle has been all about committed partnerships. Man, have I learned a lot about my committed partnerships in these past 2 years. I went back to look at where things were around August 2016 and at first I had a hard time remembering but then it all came into view.

1. 2016 in July was when I broke up with my long-term ex for good. That was our second breakup and the final one. I had no idea what my life was going to look like without him and I was facing turning 40 the next year. But I had to trust that there was the possibility that I *could* find fulfillment – love, marriage, children – and that it was definitely not going to happen if I stayed with him.

2. I lost the dance studio in Oct 2016. I was essentially evicted and had to be out of the space by the end of that month. That throw me into a tizzy of feeling like a failure but also trying to understand some greater meaning to things and finally owning up to the fact that I had fake partnerships and fake friendships and that I was living in a pretend world while stuff was crashing and burning around me.

3. I had major surgery in May of that year to remove fibroids and hopefully increase my chances of having children. Which didn’t happen over this 2 year period.

4. I was able to keep teaching dance because I found a few places to let me use their spaces. That was my first foray into believing again enough in myself to reach out and ask if I could do that and not being so anxious about it that I never called. I’m still teaching in one of the places and probably could teach in the other whenever I like. Those were real partnerships that felt good and genuine.

5. These past 2 years, I’ve mostly worked and I had to go through all of the mental struggle and balancing to be able to work for someone else and still believe in my own dreams. I took the first job in Dec. 2016 and temped for a month and then took the second job in Mar 2017 and worked there up until Jan. 2018. That was so hard to do.

6. Having to work those jobs pushed me hard core into my spiritual practice and vibration rising work. I listened to Abraham Hicks almost all day everyday while at the admin assistant job. I started an intense meditation practice, first as a way to help M but also to direct my own energy and have kept it up for me more than anything.

7. I met, fell in love with and got over 3 times T. That was intense. We met at the end of 2016. Went on our first date in November I believe. Broke up in Mar and then again in April and then he completely disappeared on me in August 2017. And then came back maybe in August this year and I turned him away, saying to myself, I deserve better.

8. I met M in Dec. 2017 and then we reconnected in Feb 2018 and now here we are not talking in Jan. 2018. All of our ups and downs have been about being acknowledged in the way that I want to be in a relationship. About him being able to show up and honor his feelings and me being able to stand on deserving that and not accepting less.

And these are just the things that I can think of now. I’m sure that more will come to the surface as I mill over what all has transgressed in these 2 years. It does make it easier to take. Realizing that my attempt to understand these frustrating and sad moments as moments I’ve been given the opportunity to grow and shed more layers is actually supported by what was going on cosmically is comforting.

And there have been some great signs that I have been learning the lessons. I will write about that tomorrow, as I’m so tired right this moment. But I’m happy about illuminating all of this.

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Finding Certainty

So I’m working with the idea that maybe all of my *hoping* instead of *knowing* is what’s been my biggest stumbling block. It’s like everyone around me is so certain that I can make it and that things will work out for me and that it’s just a matter of time. I’m the one that is unsure. But it’s also because I’m the one living my life. It’s tough.

But today I had an experience that shook it up for me. My baby sister (she’s 25 now I think) had another breakdown. This is the sister that has been suicidal before. (As a sidenote, I’m sure my middle sister has been suicidal before as well. Church has become her obsession and I think what is helping her get along. Though evangelical churches are ugh. Tomorrow is her birthday and ONLY because tomorrow is her birthday am I going to one of her church’s events.) She probably needs to be on bipolar medication, as she has very manic and very depressive episodes and it’s the kind where she can’t figure out what’s wrong. Though we all know that life itself and all the ups and downs make that hard. Today she broke down from the weight of everything and so I went to get my niece and nephew (they are 4 and 3) to give her some space and my aunt went with me to talk to her.

Just realizing how similar my sister and I are jolted me out of my depressed state. I mean today before my mom called to ask me to go over there, I was have a TOUGH time. I got up late, couldn’t sit down to do anything. Couldn’t shake the sad feelings. Couldn’t do much of anything but walk in circles and try to remind myself that doing the next thing was a good idea. And I did do the next thing and the next – I’ll write my list so that I can remember.

When my mom called about my sis though, I realized that I can not fall apart. I just can’t. I can’t let her down. She has to see that following your dreams is worth it. She has to see that I finally made it. And with the mental health struggle especially. Even though I myself have been feeling the ping of “it would be easier if I just gave up and killed myself”, I know that I can’t. And even though I have been feeling like I don’t know what the f I’m supposed to be doing, I have to keep trying. I have to keep having a dream and believing in it.

I introduced my baby sister to the secret and all the thoughts about the law of attraction years ago – from the time that she was able to comprehend such things. I always encouraged her that she could create whatever life she wanted. That her thoughts and her feelings were where her power lay and that she was unique and special and ridiculously talented (which she is).

So I can’t bail on it now. I can’t bail on and give up on all of the things I’ve been instilling in her all these years. I have to make it work so that she will see that it works. I know that’s a lot of pressure. I know. But I mean, it is what it is. And maybe the Universe gave us this experience to shake me up and help me solidify this *killer persona* that is murdering her goals and getting it done. PERIOD.

I used to be the make it happen person. Period. And then I left that way of being completely, feeling like I’m tired of pushing. And now I think I’m back to making it happen. But not on the outcome side. On the “what I can control” side.

That’s what I have to stick to. Woosaa.

Chronicling my meds, I’m feeling the tightness in my chest and I only took 150mg to bump myself up to my old prescription of 450. Sigh, I hate this part of getting them in my system because it’s just freakin’ uncomfortable. But I know it’s just my body adjusting. It’s really interesting, I’ve been doing sooooo much heart chakra work – meditating for almost a year almost everyday on my heart chakra. And still this chest pain. Interesting right? I just have lots more to process through I suppose.

In any case, I want to remember all I *did* get done today. Just to remind myself that I *am* showing up to my life and I *am* staying focused.

1. Called a staffing person from an agency back and she talked with me about my resume. It was a tough convo because the usual came up of why I have job experience all over the place and it looking like I’m job hopping and not interested in something long term. Which I’m not. But how do you say that?

2. Talked to the friend of a friend who is looking for full-time clerical/desk help for the next 4 months. The convo was good :). The pay will be low though and it’s about a 45 minute drive – so we shall see.

3. Sent out my salsa newsletter and it reminded 3 people to go ahead and register for class. I won’t see the money until Tuesday because of how it processes so rent will be late BUT at least it will be paid :).

4. Got some things posted on my FB profiles including and impromptu class on using Tarot to smash your goals. Not sure if anyone will sign up for it but at least I put it out there and it’s letting the Universe know that I’m ready to receive.

5. Got some potential interest in the business services that I put out there on FB yesterday. I’m really proud of myself about this one. It was scary to put that info out there. But I did AND I have been sticking to the prices that I set. I just set them intuitively, not doing much research. I think I will get 2 clients out of it so far at least! WOOP!

6. Responded to a Freelance job on upwork about social media management. The person was excited about my response to their questions and so we are going to talk on Tuesday. That would be a $16/hr a couple hours a week, so something you know :).

7. Tonight, while I have this burst of energy, I’m going to write like I wanted to today, do the Tarot readings that I wanted to do today, and write out my 100 things list like I wanted to today. I’m going to use my energy, where my energy is and embrace that.

So I have to keep reminding myself that I am good. I am doing the things that matter to me and that are important to me. And I’m doing the rest too.

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2 more things: On meds and letting go

One other thing I want to remember is going back on meds. By a stroke of the Universe, I have a supply of buproprion that has been gifted to me. Remember when I had to abruptly stop them? Even though that was one of the scariest things in my life, I actually had been feeling like I was doing a good job without them. I don’t know if it’s because of the string of disappointments, especially with M or the frustration of having not found anything income sustaining or not being able to find the energy to work on things because I was losing hope. Or maybe what has made all of those things incredibly harder is not having the meds. And so now I have the meds and I can take them. But I feel wrong about it. Like I’m giving in. And like I might lose my depth. All such silly thoughts I know. I know the meds are a good thing. I know the universe did not plop them in my lap to make me deliberate and doubt myself. And I know that I need the help. I know that I have had way more crying days than usual. Now things are tough right now so I don’t know if it’s the chicken or the egg. But I’m going to take these meds even if I feel wonky about it. And I’m going to hold on tight to the things that I feel like I did gain in these 6 months without them and I’m going to not beat myself up for *giving in* to the meds again. That sounds so silly. But it’s a thought that is running through my mind nonetheless.

What I have found out is that it is perfectly ok to be intense. It is perfectly ok for me to have my most intense feelings and share them. Who cares if someone thinks I’m cracking up. I’m doing my best.

And the thing about letting go. One of my favorite mentor/readers tonight pulled a card for me about love. She said to let the ships that are sailing sail. That hurt so very much. So obviously, I’m still holding out hope for M. But Tony did this very same thing. And didn’t show back up until almost a year later. I know that M can be disappeared forever. And do I even want whatever apology he could accept now anyway. I still do. But I shouldn’t. So I’m working through that. Today though I did see 3 other men that were attractive and I remembered that there are lots of other men in the world, lots of other stories that could be written for me. I do feel like I’ve been here before with someone saying some amazing somebody is on the horizon. But I guess all you have is hope right? How can you be certain about that when you’ve been wrong every single time before?

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Accepting a Mirror

So today has been a really good day considering that two days ago, I had no idea what I was going to do. In this moment, I can say I’m so grateful for my natural tendency to be happy and hopeful again and to just simply try some more.

The night before last, I took a bold for me step and wrote out my expenses – revised for this year. I then wrote out what I needed to pay rent and my car note – the two most pressing bills. On that night, I had no idea how they would get paid.

And then yesterday, I remembered that my next dance class was starting next week. If I could get at least 6 people registered, that would be the rest of rent and 4 more past that would equal car note. And that made me hopeful. I finally saw a way. I’d also listened to a recording about 80 plus ways to make 5k in january and actually got some good ideas and that made me hopeful.

I’d gotten some distressing news in the morning telling me that I wasn’t going to be able to get the government funding for the coding program to start this month but could start in April and at first, that caused me all kinds of despair. Then a good talk with a friend got me thinking of other options and that made me feel better. And then another convo with another friend substantiated itself in a little bit of steady part-time work and I found myself thinking again that maybe I could scrimp by for the next 3 months at least and still do the program in April if it felt like the right thing to do at that time. So that felt hopeful.

And then this morning, even though my phone got partially cut off because the bill was due, I was still in hopeful spirits. And you know, I ended up manifesting $500. Two folks, a really amazing friend and a random couple that emailed me, signed up for private lessons. So if folks sign up for class tomorrow, I will be able to pay my entire rent ON TIME. And at the least, I will be paying most of it. That’s amazing and that’s evidence to me that even though I’m having hiccups, things are moving in a positive direction. Good things are still happening to me. I am still manifesting good favor and I’m still doing things *right*.

I wrote on a tab in my bathroom that *I’ve got the midas touch. Whatever I work on WORKS. I am a Killer. I murder my goals*. I know that last part is not very me-ish at all, but I think I need something to jar me. B my ex said something that stuck with me yesterday. He said that *I* need to *KNOW* and not just hope things are working out. I need to KNOW it. With no doubt. He said that’s the difference. And though I thought I was good with that, maybe I’m not – obviously I’m not. Because I would say often that I hope things are working out. So maybe now I need to just say nothing or say I KNOW. It’s just that sometimes it feels like you’re kidding yourself or you’re buying into the *don’t look at reality or the years of evidence to the contrary of what you want*. But I guess that’s our choice right? We don’t have to be realistic. So I’m working on that. And part of that is saying I’m MURDERING my goals. NO MATTER WHAT. I’m going to make the money I need to make. PERIOD. It’s coming to me now. Period. Period. Period.

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