So I’m really tired at the moment but I also don’t want to sleep. The energy in the cosmos is really electric right now – I’ve been staying up way past what makes sense even though I’m clearly tired. I know it’s because of these eclipses.
And I’m so proud of myself. I got through a really bad feeling patch two weeks ago. Really bad. Blah and feeling again like things may never change bad. And that made me feel like such a fraud for considering myself an encourager and someone who could at all help someone else get to a better feeling place.
I have to admit though, it was legitimate. The ex that I’d bent over so far backwards for to be understanding, patient and loving with finally came back around into my life and said yes Leah, I want to be with you, I’m not afraid anymore. We had a blissful week and then on that Friday we had plans for lunch – that morning he said he was looking forward to it and then never showed up. And I have not heard from him since.
It took a LOT to get over this. I felt so broken and stupid and duped and deadened. All the questions. How could this happen to me again. What does this mean for my life. Why can’t I get it right. What lesson am I learning. Is this it-am I going to forever have to learn hard lessons because I’m missing something. And on and on.
It was horrible. Especially the slow realization that this man was really not going to call me back, explain himself, say anything. That he was just going to disappear. That is HARD.
And that was coupled with my decision to go ahead with the gallbladder surgery last Friday. I decided, against all the natural life advice (or most of it) to go with it – get it removed and *then* deal with making even more solid diet changes and clearing any emotional junk. It just kept feeling like this is the thing to do. But I was more nervous about this surgery than my others – I guess because something actually has been removed that had a purpose. But I felt like, with my years of stomach issues and the fact that I eat healthier than most of the people I know, my gallbladder is probably very damaged and holding on to it would drag me down more than it would propel me forward.
But yeah, it still wasn’t a super easy decision.
But since my surgery I’ve felt so clear and so even energized – just so good. So much like everything might just be falling into place, like it’s always promised to do. I’ve made some bold leaps of faith – I hired my mentor as my business coach, I started reading on the psychic hotlines again and I am determined that this will surpass my income at the job so that I can leave it within the month or very soon after.
And I’ve even randomly reconnected with the man I was seeing exactly a year ago. The synergy in that connection is full of magick – we seemingly randomly started texting again yesterday – the exact same day that we started texting each other last year. And when I think about our relationship, I mean I can’t see any negatives. He was supportive, fun, sexy, high vibe, wanted to be in a relationship with me, looking to be married, have children, raise a family, ambitious – I mean he was really great. But I was really broken back then. I’d just broken up with my longterm ex. I’d just finally admitted that I had to give up the studio. I had lost the majority of my income so I was pretty broke and things were just hard. There just wasn’t enough space for him in my life.
So we shall see :).
In moments like this when I’m feeling so high energy, I believe that my dreams are possible. I’m touching them. I’m holding them. I’m living them. It’s so so so so good to remember :).