This is a post I wanted to make sure I wrote. It’s so interesting – my self is now asking me to go check FB or my phone or something other than sit here and write this. I’m pretty sure it’s my ego self not wanting to do this self-discovery. The great thing is that I’m aware. Today I honed in on another thing I learned to ask myself – what woman do I want to be and what choice would that woman make. Like “what would the woman that has all those things in your vision board book do?” And that has actually been helping me push off distraction and make peace with the time I have spent on social media.
I’ve realized again that a lot of times, I’m looking for validation – affirmation that I matter and that I’m good and admired. It’s weird. Because it’s very fleeting. It’s not at all like it’s super satisfying because it’s just in that instant. It’s just in that instant that I feel filled up and then I’ve moved on. It’s good to notice though and good to notice when I don’t need it. I’ve gotten so much better with that. I used to feel sadness when I had no messages or likes or comments or interaction. Like it was a confirmation of something. I don’t feel that anymore. YAY!
So this post is about the evidence I have that I HAVE learned the lessons of these last 2 years regarding partnerships.
- Even though I feel like I dealt with so much broken behavior with M, I still was very conscious in it. And it helped me explore the idea of allowing yourself to be hurt but then also allowing yourself to not be around people that make that challenging. Just because you know how to diffuse hurt feelings and understand that they are a mirror of a deficit within, it doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to someone that continually presents you a painful mirror to transmute. AND working through my connection with him led to some major soul upleveling for me.
- I truly feel as though the partnerships I’m developing now on the business front are so very much more connected and meaningful. I am getting to be completely myself, holding nothing back out of fear of how someone might perceive it. So all of my partnerships now are built on a solid ground of transparency. I’m really appreciating that.
- Even though I don’t know really what will happen, I do feel like I’ve developed some level of certainty that my life partner is going to show up in my life. And it’s been much easier to say no to certain behaviors in men without feeling like I’m being too mean or too non-understanding or any of that. I’ve even gone so far as to unfriend two people today and I’ve erased or unfriended almost anyone that makes me feel a certain way. And I’m going to continue that. It really has lifted something. I feel lighter, like I’m making room and removing my sense of obligation to hold space for these men.
- I’ve gotten to a place where I’m not afraid to say that I would like a relationship. I don’t feel that it’s desperate or me trying to hard or any of that. I feel completely ok with wanting it and I also don’t feel like I’m overly stressed about it.
- I do really feel as though it’s been easier and easier to be completely authentic. It’s something that I think I didn’t realize that I struggled with on some level. The push to try to be what everyone wanted me to be and to try to play the part and act the role was such a strain. And I don’t even really think I realized I was doing that. I was just trying to rise to the occasions that were showing up. Now I feel more cautious about that. Way more cautious about what I’m going to put out there with all my might and I’m going to try to make sure that it aligns with me completely. And that still feels scary because it still means cutting somethings out, at least for a while.
So overall, I feel like I’ve learned at least a majority of the lesson of these past 2 years. I am much more stable in who I am, especially without all the accolades and the striving to be great and worthy of praise. I’ve been finding myself outside of that – which is really big for me. And I do feel the shift. If nothing else, that in and of itself is profound.