One thing that bothers me about my issues is that I allow myself less time than other people allow themselves. Or maybe it’s that my condition requires more time to manage and therefore leaves less time for just life. Does that bother anyone else? For instance, it takes me much longer to get my day going than other people. I long to have a routine..to get up and get out. To master my discipline. I fantasize about ways to do it. I am lucky that my schedule doesn’t require me to be active until the evening (teaching dance definitely works for me these days), but I still feel so guilty about the haze of morning til afternoon. It’s like I can’t get going until noon at the earliest. And then, with a cup of coffee, I can usually bust out 4 solid hours of work – but then I feel stressed again – like shoot, I want to stay home and finish this work..but I have to go teach. Or I have that meeting. Or this thing. Or that thing.
And it seems as thought other people without anxiety and depression don’t have to deal with the wind up time to activity. They don’t have to continuously talk themselves into activity. They don’t grapple with the danger of slipping away into idleness or numbing circular thoughts for an hour if they don’t catch themselves.
Sigh. I guess this makes me strong. A survivor. A thriver. Sometimes it just makes me tired though.
I’m working on using my visualizations to change how my days go. Whatever it takes. I want more days I can feel proud of. Maybe that’s the problem – that I need to change what makes me proud. Maybe the truth is that I just need to get up earlier. Who knows right?
Desiring to end on a happy, hopeful note SO..hmmm…something to be grateful for…I really like hair… :P..
I Conquer Suicide Everyday 