So far

So it’s been a difficult few days. I think it started on Tuesday when I talked with the engineering recruiter. It was also my 1 year old niece’s birthday. So I talked to the recruiter and though he liked my enthusiasm and drive, I just am not qualified for that exact position. It’s managing engineers and since I haven’t been in that position, he said it’d be over my head but that he’d keep my resume in mind because positions come available here often.

So in my first mind I was ok with that, but it also felt in the back of my mind like another door closing that seemed like it might be a light in the dark. And then I was caught off guard by Aalayah’s birthday. For some reason Aalayah’s affects me more than Romeos – I think because she’s a girl and that’s what I have been envisioning I would have first. These are the babies of my sister’s that were pregnant at the same time that I was.

And so it just sucked – my sister posted a ton of pictures on FB that of course came through my feed and that I liked and it reminded me of last year and of what I didn’t have and all of that stuff. And it would be easier if I was still with Bryan and we were working on having another baby – but I don’t even have that. Everything has fallen apart.

And so I think that wore me down on Tuesday.

On Wednesday I talked to a great person who is a business owner that does psychic readings – she offered a free session and I took her up on it – she’s someone I admire. In our session, I asked her for guidance and she said all of this is growing pains and that I need to allow myself to rest and listen to my intuition about taking time off, not stressing things and giving myself what I need body and mind wise. She told me that taking the job as a receptionist would be good for my feminine side because I’d get to just be for a bit. And that I’d still be able to think about my business while there too and that if I’d been offered the engineering job, I would have no time to think really about anything else and I’d be flung even more into masculine do do do energy. I understood that and that made sense.

So Thursday I felt absolutely run down from my cycle starting and just feeling generally shitty about life so I just didn’t do much. Friday I felt much the same and just allowed myself to feel bad and sad about stuff. Even in the midst of that though I did do some important businessy things and made a bit of progress on some stuff.

Friday, my ladies amateur dance team performed and they did a really fabulous job and that was a highlight. I had a friend come in town which is a weird and wonky story in and of itself and we had a fairly nice time.

Yesterday was Aalayah’s birthday party at my sister’s house which was really hard for me to be at because it just reminds me what I don’t have. And I know that I could choose to see it differently. But it’s hard to when everything is still going so wonkily and it feels like I’m still struggling so badly. And then you see examples of what you want all around you and you can’t figure out why YOU can’t figure it out.

But I guess there are things that I can hold on to. There ARE things that I can hold on to.

Last week I made over $500 from dancing gigs. I have another potential dancing gig coming up on the 30th that will be a couple hundred if it happens. I have one coaching client that is interested. I’ve been consistently doing my videos and people seem to like them and miss them when I don’t. I was able to pay my car tags and property taxes finally and had just enough to do that. Things do just keep barely working out.

I guess where my fears are coming in at are the fact that I don’t have a consistent plan for rent to be paid at the beginning of December. I will have this job but I won’t get that first paycheck until the 9th I’m HOPING. So that means some good luck is going to have to come from somewhere OR I will just have to be late again. Even if I do get paid on the 9th, just that wouldn’t be enough anyway because the job is just $10.45/hr.

So what makes me keep getting sad and to this point of wtf is that the major break that makes the major change keeps not happening. And when i thought I was systematically getting things better and better, it apparently wasn’t true or it just was something that could easily fail – which to date it all has for the most part or just not lived up to it’s potential.

And it’s hard not to see things that way. Really hard.

But I’m doing my best to deflect and to focus on the good things and to at the least not focus on the bad things. Even when I’m feeling bad, I just don’t fight it and that usually helps it to keep moving through and past me.

And this writing of everything out has helped today. I can see where all of my time went and exactly how I got into a funk and I can see that things were kind of ok, it’s just that I’m worried. And I can see that despite being worried, I have been putting myself and my stuff and my message out there in the world. It’s just about working up the consistency – that’s all.

And I think someone will love me one day soon – like I’ll find that relationship that is a safe place for me in all ways. And I’m still even holding hope that I’ll find someone that wants to have a child with me. I still believe it’s possible even though it’s painful to think about it and hope that it will come true.